


Twelve Failed Ways to Charm a Witch

by LeQuin



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-02
Updated: 2020-05-02
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:20:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23972902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeQuin/pseuds/LeQuin
Summary: When organising the books in the common room of the Head Students suite, Hermione discovers a book that sets her on edge.
Relationships: Hermione Granger/Harry Potter
Comments: 12
Kudos: 143
Collections: Harmony For Essentials Gift Exchange





	Twelve Failed Ways to Charm a Witch

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BrightsideDC](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BrightsideDC/gifts).



> **AN:** Right, this fic was written as a gift for essential workers in this time of world-upending madness. Specifically, it was written for BrightsideDC, whose favourite trope is 8th year, book compliant EWE. Here you go, my friend, I hope this helps you unwind from the work you’re doing to keep the rest of us safe. And a massive thank you to every other essential worker. You people all rock. If you want to see other fics written for essential workers you can visit the collection: [https://archiveofourown.org/collections/HarmonyForEssentialsGiftExchange](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/HarmonyForEssentialsGiftExchange?fbclid=IwAR0HyzMuLthAHgJ5uVfLC29t2zPLXks2QBUTSNJzFzQ_OUG36CX8D4eEezI)
> 
> * * *
> 
> **Disclaimer**
> 
> Harry Potter and all associated characters, locations and what not belong to J.K. Rowling and whoever she sells the rights to. I have borrowed these characters, locations and what not in order to mess around with them. In some cases I have lifted a piece of dialogue or scene directly from the books as a touchstone. I do not own anything except the plot and I am not making any money from this endeavor. This applies to the whole story.
> 
> * * *
> 
> **Warning**
> 
> This is a story about Harry and Hermione breaking up with their canon partners and getting together. If that’s not your thing, then maybe another fic would be a better choice.

Hermione stared at the book in her hands, her mind racing and throwing up conclusions that were painful to look at. _That’s what I get for thinking that everything was going to be alright._

The year had started out full of promise. Harry had destroyed Voldemort and the war was finally over. Ron had kissed her and Hermione had shyly admitted to him that she’d like to do that again sometime. Harry and Ginny seemed to be growing into a relationship as well and to top everything off, Headmistress McGonagall and the Ministry had announced that all academic results from the previous year had been declared null and void since they couldn’t be considered a reflection of the students’ abilities. Hogwarts would be taking everyone in for an extra year; she would get to finish her schooling after all.

Their letters had arrived at the Burrow accompanied by a stream of badges. Ron and Ginny had retained their prefect badges and Harry had been awarded the Head Boy position in addition to the Gryffindor Quidditch Captaincy. As for Hermione herself… _Head Girl. I finally made Head Girl._ It had been one of the proudest moments of Hermione’s life.

When the first of September finally arrived, Hermione had boarded the Express, silver badge shining proudly on her chest. It had felt like she was walking on air. The prefect meeting on the train, the patrols, everything went as smoothly as she could have hoped. She had even managed to convince Harry to patrol with Ron tonight so that she could spend some time arranging their books on the shelves in the common room the two of them would be sharing this year.

While the boys were out, Hermione had lovingly picked up every book and set it on the shelves. This year’s books at shoulder height since they would be needed the most, her reference books just above that, the books from Harry’s trunk just below.

Reaching into Harry’s trunk for the last of the books Hermione’s hand came back with a package wrapped in Flourish and Blotts’ standard paper. After a brief hesitation, she opened it to determine where the book should go and felt herself go pale. _Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches? Why would Harry have something like this?_

Her unsteady hand had opened the book and scanned through the contents.

  1. **_Flattering Robes Charm_**
  2. **_Teeth Whitening Charm_**
  3. **_Photogenic Charm_**
  4. **_Alluring Aroma Charm_**
  5. **_Equanimity Charm_**
  6. **_Voice Modulating Charm_**
  7. **_Prophylactic Charm_**
  8. **_Lubrication Charm_**
  9. **_Pregnancy Prevention Charm_**
  10. **_How to Attract Your Witch_**
  11. **_Sure-Fire Sex Techniques to Keep Your Witch Coming Back for More_**
  12. **_What to do When Your Witch Starts a Row_**
  13. **_One Fail-Safe Way to Ditch Your Witch_**



Each and every chapter title deepened Hermione’s horror. _Has Harry been using this on Ginny?_

 _I need to study this._ It was the only way Hermione could think of to make sure that she wasn’t barking up the wrong tree. She would have to go through this book point by point and compare it to Harry’s behaviour. _I just need to figure out how to do it without Harry noticing what I’m doing._

Forcing herself into action, Hermione cast a quick Duplicating Charm on the book. The copy wouldn’t last more than a week, but she could always sneak into Harry’s room during a Quidditch practice and make another. Next she used the charm that she knew Flourish and Blotts used to wrap its books to repackage the original and shoved it back down in Harry’s trunk.

Confident that her tracks were covered, Hermione retreated to her own room and started her first research project of the new school year. She just hoped that her heart would survive it.

:-:-:-:-:

It took Hermione three weeks to work her way through the book she’d found in Harry’s trunk. Her friends had definitely noticed that she was occupied with something, but had left her to it after she had refused to tell them what it was.

The only reason she hadn’t managed to work faster was that at the end of every chapter on magic there was a counter-charm so that “you don’t get flocked by undesirable hags hoping for a chance with you.” Hermione had made sure to learn each and every single charm and she intended to use them.

She had also memorised many of the little phrases the book suggested that the reader learn by rote so as to always have a snappy response at the ready. This had actually left her a little confused since she hadn’t caught Harry using a single one of them so far. _So is he not using the book after all? It was still wrapped…_

The inconsistency had thrown up doubts for Hermione, but there was only one thing she could think to do that would resolve them: see the experiment through to the end. _I need more data. If I have more data my conclusions will be more reliable._

With her mind made up, Hermione engineerd a chance. She didn’t want to possibly blow up her friends’ relationship in front of the whole school. Thankfully, as Head Girl, she could assign patrols and Harry wasn’t much opposed to spending some time with his girlfriend.

That was how Hermione found herself creeping through night-dark halls under the invisibility cloak she had stolen from Harry’s trunk. _I’m not planning to keep it. I just… I need to do this._ Hermione knew that if she ruined Harry’s relationship, he probably wouldn’t be in the mood to forgive her for taking his things without asking, but if that was the case she wasn’t sure that she would want his forgiveness.

Finally, she got close enough that she would be able to detect any changes in behaviour or expression. _Which charm first? I doubt the Prophylactic, Lubrication or Pregnancy Prevention Charms have been used if they’re just walking around. Let’s start out small…_ Focusing her magic, Hermione cast the counter to the Equanimity Charm. If Harry was artificially suppressing his nervousness to seem more suave, this would put an end to that. _He looks perfectly comfortable. Maybe he didn’t use the charm?_

They walked a bit more until Harry looked at Ginny and grinned. “You know, Gin, I don’t think we’re going to find anyone in a cupboard unless we get in there ourselves first.”

Hermione almost jumped when Ginny responded with an awkwardly loud, sultry giggle and deep red flush.

Harry quickly apologised for teasing Ginny, having apparently decided that his advance had been unwanted, and they continued on their way.

Invisibly, Hermione was gaping at the two people in front of them. _Was that… no… don’t jump to conclusions. Let’s try another one._ Hermione’s wand came up again and she cast the counter charm to the Voice Modulating Charm.

Three minutes later, Hermione had figured out her mistake; neither Harry nor Ginny seemed all that inclined to speak, so Hermione had no way of checking if she’d actually removed a charm. _Fine! Let’s see if you talk after I remove this one!_ she fumed to herself, casting the counter to the Alluring Aroma Charm.

This time she didn’t have to wait long. Within a few steps Harry slowed to a halt, his nose wrinkled. “Do you smell that?” he asked Ginny. “Something smells weird in this part of the castle.”

Ginny squeaked out something unintelligible.

Hermione froze. She knew that squeak. That was how Ginny used to sound whenever Harry was around before… _before she got more confident. I thought it was because she’d listened to me and given other boys a chance._

 _That bitch!_ Furious, Hermione began casting the counter to every charm she’d read about in that filthy book. In front of her, Ginny’s hair faded from deep red to a yellowish orange. The younger girl’s chest seemed to flatten, her hips slimmed and her shoulders sagged making her look a little shorter than she had been moment before.

“Gin? Are you alright?” Harry asked in concern. Hermione didn’t know if he’d noticed every change, but he’d clearly picked up on _something_ having changed. Ginny just squeaked again. “Gin… I’m sorry but you look terrible. Should we head to the Hospital Wing?”

Ginny shook her head violently, her hair whipping around her face.

“Alright, but I think we’re done for tonight anyway. Let’s get you back to the Tower.”

Hermione pressed herself into the wall as Harry led Ginny past her with a look of concern on his face. She watched them go until they were out of sight and then hurried back to the Head’s Dorm. She stuffed Harry’s cloak back in his trunk and sprinted for her own bedroom, hiding under the covers until she heard Harry come in and head to bed.

As her heartrate slowed, Hermione felt one question burning in her mind. _What am I going to do?_

:-:-:-:-:

The next morning Hermione got up. She wasn’t sure that she’d come up with a complete answer to her own question, but she’d at least resolved a part of it. _I’m not letting her continue. If Harry wants to stay with Ginny for who she is, fine, but not like this._

Swinging her book bag over her shoulder, Hermione slipped her wand up into her sleeve and marched out into the Common Room she shared with Harry. He was sitting on the couch, waiting for her. “Hey. Ready for breakfast?”

“Starving,” Hermione smiled. She still didn’t know why Harry had that book, but she was sure now that he had either never read it or, if he had, that he hadn’t taken any of it to heart. “Are we meeting Ron and Ginny first?”

“I hope so. Ginny was really off last night,” Harry admitted sounding worried. “If you get a chance, do you think you could talk to her about it? She didn’t want to tell me anything last night.”

“I’ll see what I can do, Harry,” Hermione promised, knowing that no talk would take place. _Should I tell Harry though?_ The thought caused her to pause mid-stride as she was leaving the room.

“Hermione?”

“Coming.” _I won’t tell him right now. Maybe tonight. He does deserve to know, but I don’t want him to think that I’m just having a go at someone he loves._ _I can invest some time today working out how I’m going to tell him._

The two friends walked in silence, each lost in their own thoughts until they came to the junction where they usually met Ron and Ginny. The Weasleys hadn’t arrived and Harry leant back against the wall to wait for them. Hermione stayed standing so that she would have a better casting angle when Ginny would inevitably show up.

They didn’t have long to wait as Ron and Ginny came running down the hallway only two minutes later. Hermione didn’t waste any time casting every counter-charm in the book. Fighting not to smirk, she put her wand away. She knew she’d been successful when a second after the two Weasleys came to a stop, Ginny was red as a beet.

What she hadn’t expected was for Ron to pong like he had rotten meat in his mouth when he leaned in for a kiss. “Ew. Sorry, Ron, but you really need to brush your teeth.” Hermione apologised, hoping that he wouldn’t take her rejection of their morning ritual too badly.

His ears turning red was not a good sign. It suddenly occurred to Hermione that Ron didn’t look like he usually did. His hair, his skin, his robes, everything seemed paler. She could actually see a slight paunch under his robes. _Oh no._ The realisation striking her brought an almost physical pain with it.

 _Ron’s read the book. He read it and he’s been using it._ Tears burned at the back of her eyes, but she refused to let them fall; refused to let anyone know how much it hurt to have been manipulated like this. Instead, Hermione whirled around and marched off to the Great Hall, leaving three confused friends behind.

“What’s eating her?” she heard Ron ask in what was probably supposed to be whisper. Hermione gritted her teeth as his voice grated on her, letting her know that she must have gotten used to the way it sounded under the charm. She couldn’t hear Harry’s response clearly as he muttered it back.

The rest of the day passed uncomfortably slowly as Ron tried to get Hermione to tell him why she was acting this way while Harry was facing a similar conundrum with Ginny. The difference was that Ginny honestly didn’t know what Harry meant.

Hermione felt like she was traversing an eternity, but when she finally finished dinner she informed Harry that she needed him for an emergency Head’s meeting and got up without waiting to see if he would follow. _I need to get out of here._

In the dorm, Hermione went straight to Harry’s trunk and drew out the package she had found that first night. She settled in to wait for her friend, not sure how he would react to what she had to tell him. She was sure of one thing however. _Once I’ve told Harry, I’m breaking up with Ron._

When Harry finally got back to the dorm she noticed that he was moving around like a man locked in a cage with a lion. “Sit down, Harry. I’m not going to bite you.”

“You sure?” Harry asked as he lowered himself onto the couch. “You’ve been pretty out of sorts all day.”

Hermione’s lips twisted into a snarl as she remembered why that was. “Do you know what this is?” she demanded, tossing the parcel she was holding onto the cushion next to him.

Harry picked it up and hefted it a few times, gauging its weight. “A book?”

“Open it.”

Harry followed the command warily, his face falling into confusion when he saw the book. “Where’d you get this?”

“Your trunk when you let me put the books up on the shelves. What I want to know is: where did _you_ get it?”

“Well, it was a birthday present from R- um…”

“From Ron,” Hermione finished in a low hiss. “He has a copy too, doesn’t he?”

Harry clearly didn’t want to answer that question, probably out of loyalty to his friend.

“Harry, I already know that he’s using the spells in that book.”

Harry sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose under his glasses. “Yeah, Fred and George gave it to him, but what do you mean by spells? Ron told me it wasn’t wandwork. I thought it was just the compliments he was giving you and stuff.”

“If that’s what Ron said then he lied to you, Harry.”

“But-“

“Read it.”

Harry opened the book and she saw him run his finger down the table of contents like she had done a month and a half ago. She could see by the way his eyes widened and the disbelief in his expression as he mouthed some of the chapter titles that it wasn’t what he’d expected.

“The spells aren’t the worst of it,” Hermione informed him once she thought he’d gotten the basic gist of the book’s contents. “They’re mostly about making yourself look better. Proper grooming would be a better choice and the sex-related ones are even truly important. It’s the stuff that isn’t magic. It’s manipulation. This book teaches you how to lie to someone and make them think that you love them.” Hermione’s chest was heaving at the end of her rant and her eyes looked fit to spit sparks.

Harry just looked up at her helplessly. “I-… at least he was willing to read a book for you?”

Hermione knew that uncertain tone. She knew that Harry would do his best to be loyal to his friends to the bitter end, even when his heart wasn’t really in it. She also knew she had a final blow left to deliver. “Ginny’s using the same spells. The reason she’s been acting strangely is that I’ve been countering them.”

Harry’s face crumpled. He opened his mouth and closed it again without making a sound. Shaking his head, he got up. “I’ve… I’m… bed,” he muttered as he shuffled towards his bedroom door in a daze.

“Harry.”

He paused, but didn’t turn around.

“I know that it’s a lot to take in, but I just wanted to let you know: I’m breaking up with Ron tomorrow. I can’t be in a relationship with someone who isn’t honest with me.”

Harry just nodded and headed into his room. Hermione felt a little guilty over how effectively she had hurt her friend. _Leaving him ignorant of what’s happening would be worse_ she decided as she crawled into her own bed.

:-:-:-:-:

The next morning Hermione once again met Harry in the Common Room. It was easy to see that he hadn’t slept a wink. He didn’t say anything, just fell into step beside her, a silent brooding shadow. When they got to the hallway where they would usually wait for Ron and Ginny, Hermione kept going without pausing. Harry kept pace with her. _I think that might be bad news for Ginny._

The two friends sat down to breakfast and ate mechanically, their hearts and thoughts elsewhere. They managed to finish before the Weasleys showed up. Hermione decided to leave, knowing that her next conversation with Ron had every chance of getting loud and not wanting to sit around waiting for it in front of the rest of the student body.

She was only partially successful as halfway to their first class, Harry and Hermione ran into the very people they were trying to avoid. _At least we’ve got relative privacy._

“Harry! Hermione! Why didn’t you wait for us?” Ron called out as he came jogging up to them, Ginny close behind.

Harry and Hermione’s eyes met and Hermione knew that he was going to let her take the lead here. She took a deep breath, turned and looked into the watery blue eyes that didn’t quite match up to what she had seen when she kissed a boy she thought she loved and loved her. _Calm, Granger. You have to stay calm. No yelling._ “Because, I-… I’m breaking up with you, Ron.”

“What?! Why?!” Ron looked like he couldn’t figure out where this was coming from.

“You lied to me!” Hermione exploded, her resolution already in tatters. “You used spells to change every physical trait and then fed me lines to make me think you loved me!”

“She found the book you gave me,” Harry informed Ron before turning to Ginny. “After reading it I guess I finally figured out what was wrong with you.”

“What do you mean ‘wrong with me’?” Ginny demanded.

“I mean that you’re using charms like Ron,” Harry growled out. “Charms that hide who you are, so that we wouldn’t know who we’re dating.”

“Of course you know me, Harry!”

“I don’t think I do. And I don’t think we should be dating until we do know each other.”

“Y-y-you hypocrites,” Ginny spluttered, outraged. “You’ve both been using charms since your sixth year.”

“What?!” Hermione’s eyes darted to the side as she heard Harry’s shocked exclamation meld with her own, but she quickly focused on the girl in front of her. “What do you mean we used charms?”

“Oh, come on, Herms,” Ron said with a roll of his eyes. “One summer and you start looking right fit while Harry suddenly becomes Mr. Tall, Dark and Handsome? How thick do you think we are?”

“Ron, we never used any charms,” Harry said, very deliberately. “Why would we?”

Ron just snorted in disbelief. “Cause everyone does?”

“Well, not the two of us,” Hermione snapped. “Even if everyone did do it, would that make it alright? If everyone-“

“Hermione,” Harry cut her off. “Not the bridge analogy. Please? Clearly Ginny and Ron feel that it’s alright to do this if everyone does.” There was a hardness under his tone.

Hermione wanted to protest, but subsided when she saw the triumphant looks on the Weasley faces and the determined cast to Harry’s eyes and realised where he was going. “You’re right, Harry. I guess we’re not going to see eye to eye with them on this.”

“I guess not,” Harry agreed grimly.

“So that’s why we’re breaking up with you,” Hermione concluded, watching triumphant looks turn back into shocked outrage. “Let’s go, Harry. We need to change the password to our dorm.”

The two friends beat a hasty retreat, hoping to put some distance between them and the Weasleys before Ron and Ginny could recover. For the rest of the day they sat as far away from Ron as they could in class, something that the rest of the school’s population couldn’t fail to notice.

By the time dinner rolled around, the whispers swirled around them like wind through dry leaves. It was uncomfortable enough that even Hermione was willing to sacrifice manners for expedience. With the eyes of Hogwarts heavy at their backs, Harry and Hermione fled for the second time that day.

As soon as they reached the portrait, Hermione made good on her threat from earlier in the morning and changed the password before entering. Inside the two Head Students collapsed on the couch and closed their eyes.

As the silence stretched out around her, Hermione became more and more aware of a thought that wouldn’t leave her alone. Eventually she had to give it voice. “Harry?”

“Hmm?”

“Do you think they meant it?”

“Do I think who meant what?”

“Ron and Ginny… when they said that everyone uses the spells in that book?”

She felt a shift in the couch cushions and looked over to find Harry studying her. “Honestly? I have no idea.”

“So we’re going to have to date muggles or cast the counter-charms on anyone we go on a date with?”

“Yeah. Deception or suspicion. Go us.” Harry mock cheered.

Hermione leaned over to give him a consoling hug. _Probably the last hug I’ll be able to give a boy without wondering if he’s hiding something_ she thought to herself. At least Harry’s arms coming around her chased away some of the disappointment she was feeling.

:-:-:-:-:

Over the next few months Harry and Hermione gained a reputation for having been damaged by the war. The students whispered that either Head would look at you like you might be a Death Eater in disguise.

Oh they were still fair and helpful, but nobody could get close to them anymore. They’d even ended their relationships because of their suspicious natures. When they were the only ones not to go home for the Christmas Holiday, the whispers only increased that they didn’t even trust their own families any more.

The first Hogsmeade weekend in the new year saw a development that the whisperers had some trouble placing: Harry Potter and Hermione Granger walking through the streets, hand in hand. The most popular speculations held that their paranoia had grown to the point where they felt the need to constantly guard each other’s backs.

In March all those theories fell through when the fifth year Hufflepuff prefects caught the two Heads snogging in a broom closet when they were supposed to be on patrol. The whispers turned into arguments, crying jags and outright tantrums. No one had even considered that two of the Young Heroes might decide to get romantically involved after their earlier relationships had imploded.

When the Express carried the students home for the final time that year, most students had accepted, or at least resigned themselves, that the two had no intention of being separated. The only doubt they still had left as they watched the two walk through the barrier at King’s Cross, dressed in muggle clothes, was whether they would ever return.

**Author's Note:**

>  **AN:** Right, under the purview of the original challenge this was supposed to be no more than 2000 words. If you’ve reached this point, you know I failed. What can I say, I suck at concise writing. At least I managed 4000.
> 
> I based this fic on a challenge I once issued based around the book that Ron gives Harry for his seventeenth birthday. If you’d like to try your hand at it, it goes as follows:
> 
> * * *
> 
> **To Charm the Witch**
> 
> When Ron gave Harry Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches he mentioned that “it’s not all wandwork.” This implies that at least some, or even most, of it _is_ wandwork.
> 
> Harry reads the book before leaving on the hunt for the horcruxes and realises that Ron has been using the spells in the book to get Hermione to fall for him. He decides that he’ll undo Ron’s spells and let Hermione chose for herself.
> 
> Requirements:
> 
>   * Must start on or after Harry’s 17th birthday since that’s when he gets the book
>   * You must come up with anywhere between two and ten charms that are in the book.
>   * No potions allowed. The book is about Charms, not creepy soup recipes.
>   * Have fun.
> 

> 
> * * *
> 
> You’ll notice that a) this doesn’t _have_ to be Harmony and that b) I didn’t really follow it myself. Either way, I hope you enjoyed it. BrightsideDC, I hope that this fic falls squarely in your wheelhouse and once again: thanks for all your hard work.
> 
> To the rest of you: thanks for reading and I’ll see you on the next one.
> 
> LeQuin


End file.
